so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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