His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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