babies were throwing up all over the place
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
