My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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