i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
