and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
