To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize