Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
