My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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