I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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