Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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