3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
