Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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