I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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