Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
