Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize