I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
