I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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