How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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