i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
