I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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