drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
