Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
