the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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