Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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