Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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