she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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