cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
