after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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