after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
