I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
