the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
