Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
