I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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