mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize