Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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