My sheets look like a crime scene.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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