So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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