Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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