I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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