if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
