Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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