Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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