Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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