There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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