I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
