I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
