Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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