hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
