I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
