and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
