I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
