the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize
