tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You've changed since you got that strap on
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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