'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
did i just pee glitter
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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