You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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