He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
